Thursday, February 23, 2006

Thongs and Dogs

Actually this posting has very little to do with dogs, but it got your attention, didn't it. It also has absolutely nothing to do with those skimpy plastic or rubber things, with no support what-so-ever, that you wear on your feet. I have never understood the rational behind wearing a thong. I know it looks sexy if you have an awesome figure and you want to eliminate panty lines. If I wanted to eliminate panty lines I would just go without any underwear. Why in the world would I want to have a permanent wedgy as I go about my day...made miserable by adding less clothing. Quite frankly, one of the nice things about good old underwear that people NEVER talk about, is if you should have an accident then the "output" has somewhere to go. And I know everyone has at least one accident in their life since they quit wearing diapers.

The reason these things have crossed my radar recently is I work out a few days a week with a girlfriend and we take this amazingly hard Jazzersize class. Ok, it's just hard for me, but I forget that I am prancing around with 40 extra pounds and let my butt twirl and my hips swirl as if I were 22 again. It's fun. Anyway, back to my girlfriend, who does happen to have a dog, thus making this a dog-related posting. She is a cutie to begin with and recently lost 15 pounds. Feeling sexier she went out and bought herself some thongs for the first time in her 30+ years and was excited to wear them to our class the other night. She got into my car feeling a bit aggravated but figured she would get used to them. We had hardly walked from the car to the class and already she was pulling at what little was available to pull. I didn't question why she bought them because I once bought some really sexy bras, thinking that they would change my life, and all that happened was I was scratched to death with the lace and super support underwires that broke under the pressure of my bosom. We all try something once I guess. Watching her dance around while trying to un-wedge herself was so funny I couldn't concentrate on my moves and kept going the opposite direction of everyone else in class. I was certain that after class she would swear off thongs, but no, she vowed to just get used to them! I would just go naked.


Relating to dogs though, I was picking up poop in one of my customers back yard and noticed a odd, but very pretty color purple, mixed around the poop. Taking a closer look to make sure it was not blood in the stools, I saw dainty trim along the edge of this purple item. It was way too small to be a sock or underwear, the most common surprise I get in my scooping adventures, and it didn't look like it was part of a dog toy, so I looked harder (figure that out) and discovered it was a cute little thong. I guess Moose, the dog, was happy not to have strangled his intestines.


Did you know you can also get thongs (for men and women) in chocolate? Not at all good for dogs. If anyone has a really good reason why they wear and trust thongs, I'd love to hear about it.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Stupid Icicles Tricks - Do Not Try To Recreate!


While shoveling snow off the back deck this past week, I saw several four and five feet long icicles hanging over the steps. Fearing that they would fall off and stab one of the dogs as they romped up and down the stairs, I decided to do the responsible thing and carefully knock them off. Being only 5'2" my arms plus the shovel were having a hard time reaching the base of the icicles...that and the fact the roof they were hanging from was probably 10' higher than I was. I banged at one and realized - whoa there - back off a bit before one stabs me in the head. A few lost their tails, but the large base remained. This just was not working as planned and the dogs were now more interested in what I was doing than playing with their buddies in the back yard. So naturally they are swarming around my legs. I chase them off determined to get rid of the biggest one before devising a more efficient way of ridding my home of the icicle necklace it wore. I carefully stepped back a few inches, raised my shovel and tapped the offending icicle. It cracked and I watched in slow motion as it DID NOT fall straight down to the deck floor, but rather, shimmied down my shovel, down my raised arms and BAM right into my forehead.

I threw the shovel down and took my snow packed, gloved hands and applied pressure to my bleeding head. I leaned over the deck and moaned, groaned and whimpered...whether more so because I was in pain or because I have a sh*&$ty, inadequate health insurance policy that would undoubtedly not cover this accident and I was still paying off the $4000 emergency room visit from the spring when I put my fist through the storm door (not entirely by accident). Stunned, I wobbled into the kitchen and peeked at my head. There was a bloody slit over the forehead and an eggplant size bump. The cut didn't look deep enough to require stitches and the bump, according to foke lore, would go away with a Hienz Apple Cider Vinegar treatment - hold a cotton, vinegar soaked rag to your head. I didn't do that, butI did have some oatmeal as it is supposed to make your headache go away.

It's three days later and my self-diagnosed concussion is finally on the mend. I am amazingly grateful that I didn't poke my eye or brain out. And Doug, seeing my clumsy efforts, removed all the remaining icicles around the house before I got anymore smart ideas. Oh, the picture is of some things I would never see if I continued to be this stupid!!!

Walking with Maggie and Emma

Day 1 – Arrive at door to the surprise of the babysitter. She seemed relieved regardless and helped me get the girls out the door. Maggie and Emma seemed to remember me and were excited to see their friends in the car. They were not excited about actually getting into the car. I got Emma in first after what looked like a pretzel wrestling match and as she sniffed the backs of Luc, Lulu, Sacha and Spunky’s head, Maggie and I negotiated some sort of heave-ho into the back with Emma. Emma, happy the door was still open, hopped out of the car and started to run me in circles around the car. I caught her leash and we recreated our pretzel twist routine. I lost four pounds during the process. Katie and Maddie just watched the young pup forgetting they were once as feisty.

We got to Lorimer and everyone piled out of the car like a flash fire. Leashes, fur and Miriam were trailing behind. I never remembered if I did or did not lock the car door, however I did manage to NOT lose my keys. Once in the gate, calmness took over as the pack did a group poop session. I did not take a chance at leaving them to go back to the car to get bags and hoped the 12 inches of snow was enough to hide the evidence and keep me out of trouble from the poop patrol.

The actual walk was fine. Lulu and Emma played non-stop the whole time, taking breaks only to torment Luc or get Spunky off their back. Early in the walk we ran into the Economics professor and his sparkly, well-dressed group. A few minutes of nose to bottom introductions and off we all went. The professor, his skis and dogs went further than we planned so we headed back to the car. Treats were a big factor in keeping everyone focused on the guide (me). And my fingers have recovered fairly well.

Getting everyone back into the car was no problem with the exception of Maggie and Emma. I had run out of treats at this point and there was no negotiating. Maggie sat down in protest and Emma wiggled all over the place. I, currently immersed in reading about compassionate dog training, could not resort to aggressive measures and throw their furry butts into the car. At least not for the first five minutes. Then I just lifted them up and plopped them on the soft dog bed in my vehicle. I must admit there was a bit of swearing involved.

Arriving at home, they were refreshed and happy and ready for a nap. I rummaged around the kitchen cabinets (actually just one pantry) looking for dog biscuits and finally found them in the laundry room – Maggie led me there. Luc has trained me that when dropping a dog off to an empty house they deserve biscuits. He obviously shared that information with Maggie and Emma.

Maggie sat in her spot in the laundry room and Emma plopped down in her crate to sleep.

Day 2 – Walking was going to be a bit easier today; just Luc and Lulu joined us while my guys all went with Doug. I used some excuse concerning having to stop off THAT DAY at the library to finally return the book I lost under my car seat since December and just found – or the car wash guys just found. Maggie got into the car eagerly and Emma only wiggled a little bit. The walk was pleasant and everyone, including me, was happy and calm. Until we got back to the car. Emma refused to get in the car and Maggie sat in protest in the snow until she emptied my pocket of treats. I practiced my yoga breathing as prescribed by the latest dog-training book I am reading. Breathe into the diaphragm slowly, breathe out slowly and do that three times. I tried to get Maggie and Emma into the same breath mode, but they were having too much fun watching me figuring out exactly what it would take to get them in the car. I finally figured it out. Sheer strength and brute force, while being loving and calm.

Once again they came home happy and ready for a rest…after the second biscuit feast.

Day 3 – Since Doug wanted to take the guy dogs for a long hike; I grabbed Katie to join us for a walk with Maggie and Emma. It felt odd only having one dog in the car, so we stopped by Luc’s, woke him up and had him join us for the afternoon adventure. I was tempted to get Willie also, but thought I would leave well enough alone.

Arrive at the home base of Emma and Maggie, wake up Maggie and get Emma out of crate. Put on leashes and get ready to roll. Emma is actually fairly good about getting in the car. She did a few distraction maneuvers and suddenly decided the car looked like a fun place to be and pounced right in, wagging her tail saying hi to Luc. Meanwhile, Maggie decides a nap in the snow with the warm sun on her tummy would be more fun than a walk. I let her roll and sit for a minute thinking maybe she really doesn’t want a walk. I pick up her leash and start to guide her back to the house. Nope. She wants a walk, just not the same one the rest of us planned. Maggie first decides to go to a neighbors and I walk a bit with her. Then a quick sit down in the sun. Rolls over for tummy rub. I oblige her – I did just read that patience is the number one virtue for training a dog. Plus she is acting so much like my old Ben I decide to just roll with it for a bit and see where this dawdling was taking us. Maggie walks to the curb and decides she’s pretty happy just sitting there. Hmmm – should I make her come along or not I ask myself. Ben never liked being left behind, so I decided to try a trick that worked most of the time. I left Maggie at the curb happily soaking in the sun – oh yes did I mention Luc, Katie and Emma were watching all this (quietly for the most part), plus who knows how many neighbors – and got in the car in the driveway. I pulled out and parked right next to Maggie. Got out of the car and opened the back doors, reminding Emma that she was to not even consider jumping out. Maggie popped up from her spot in the snow bank and went right to the back of the car and let me help her in.

Finally we get to Lorimer and the communal poop fest begins. I was slightly more prepared but buried it in the snow anyway – deciding to be conservative with my recycled bags (running low on my supply)! Since this was a smaller group, the pace was more of a meander than a walk, suiting Maggie just fine. The more time I spent with Maggie, the more I saw Ben in her. She charms her way into whatever she wants and gives you a nice smile and body nudge melting your heart completely. Also, in spite of her protestations about going for a walk, once Maggie got to Lorimer, she and Emma chased one another, and guided me to their favorite little water pool on the side path. Emma also chased Luc and got him to break away from his stodgy, only dog mode and play with her. Maggie, like Ben, also managed to sit in every muddy puddle she found, looking very happy and proud.

As we were heading back to the car I began my yoga breathing, getting ready for the battle the girls had now made routine. I breathe in, breathe out and visualize the behavior I want to see the dogs exhibit once we get to the car (honest – the book said I had to do this). I also realized early in the walk that I completely forgot any treats so I was dependant upon my own skills and charm.

Breathing calmly we get to the car. Katie and Luc hop right into their respective spots. Maggie is pulling up the pack and taking her time so I figured I would work with Emma first. I open the back door and Emma looks at me, realizing for the first time in the whole walk that the only rewards here were pats, kisses and a lot of “good girls”. She looked like she shrugged her shoulder and hopped right into the car, moving over to make a spot for Maggie. Maggie comes up to the car, lifts her front legs onto the back and waits for me to hoist the rest of her body up and over. She never seemed aware of the fact it was a “treat-less” walk. I realized that during my breathing practices I never actually visualized them getting in the car, just not making it too hard for me. But they were complete little ladies, cooperating fully – figuring, I guess, that they better be very good or I might not walk them again. Who knows if all my newfound esoteric training techniques had anything to do with it!

Aside from the in and out struggles in the beginning, Maggie and Emma were sweethearts and listened to me every step of the way (aside from the lengthy documentation of the times they balked). I also took them over to my house for a play date in the backyard and they had a great time. Luc, Lulu, Willie, Maddie, Sacha, Katie, Spunky and a black lab from next door, Tasha, all played in the snow. Emma and Lulu had a creative game of hide and seek going making me wish I had a movie camera. I have a very large evergreen of some sort that was drooping from the snow and created tunnels and caves at the points it touched the ground. Emma ran fearlessly into the various hiding places while Lulu would go from hole entrance to hole entrance and peek inside for Emma. Lulu then runs out from another spot and surprises Emma. It was very entertaining to observe.

And who knew so much could be written about three walks and a play date!

Wednesday, February 8, 2006

Dieting Dogs


I left my favorite pet food store this afternoon shaking my head. Had the staff been talking about me I would have left in tears, however they were talking about my short companion, Luc, an eight year old Springer Spaniel. I went in looking for a healthy alternative to the daily chewy he gets as a treat when I drop him off after an active day. Luc assists me on my poop scooping rounds and we take an additional one hour walk. While I sincerely appreciated the input, I was offended that no one had any qualms about calling Luc fat to his face...or above his head. The detailed descriptions of how fat he was and the damage fat can do to an older dog were so bad that everyone in the store stared at both of us and I wanted to defend our honor. Or scold them for their rudeness.

I need to lose a few pounds also and I take Luc's diet very seriously. Sadly more than my own sometimes. The good news is that in eight days he has lost 2.1 pounds, which on a 62.2 pound dog is pretty good. Our goal for right now is 52 pounds. I am still shaking my head wondering if Luc could understand all the rude fuss being made over him and regardless, if anyone else thought it was a bit overboard! What happened to "he has a great personality and gets along well with others"? Or "what a sweet smile that dog possesses"?

On that note, we did stop at the car wash before going to the pet store and the attendant, standing behind me as I was getting my purse out of the car said "what a cutie". I turned around and smiled and said thank you - you made my day, when I realized he was talking about Luc! I started to apologize for the misunderstanding, but instead thanked the fellow for recognizing how cute both Luc and I were - in our own way. The attendant then said "you're cute too, but I wasn't sure it was appropriate to say anything". Geez, I wish he worked at the pet food store!